Steps to Save a Marriage
© Roby Ferrari
The steps to save a marriage may seem long and difficult. Mostly, that’s because we make them difficult.
Our natural instinct in times of marital troubles is to think only about ourselves, to feel pain at every comment whether pain was intended or not, and to let our minds wallow in all the possible negative outcomes. It’s next to impossible to see a way forward when we’re stuck in the past and constantly wondering how we got where we are.
To really fix the relationship you have with your spouse you need to do three things right away. Stop looking backwards. Stop fighting. Stop tiptoeing.
Let’s look at each of those in depth:
Stop Looking Backwards
I remember exactly what my husband was wearing when we got married. I remember the look of love in his eyes. I remember how he took me alone back to our hotel room and slow-danced with me in the hallway. We all have beautiful moments in the past that make up the fabric of our marriage and the feelings we have for our spouse. I don’t want you to forget them – you can’t. I want you to stop reliving them as if you’ll never have them again.
If you fear your marriage is in trouble, it’s common to find yourself daydreaming about those lost moments. It’s like getting lost in a maze. It eats up time you could be using to focus on your marriage TODAY. It makes you sad and melancholy which makes it difficult for you to be positive and encouraging.
Stop Fighting
It’s okay to disagree. In fact, healthy disagreements are good for our minds. They make us think, challenge our opinions and help us firmly form how we think, what we feel, and why we feel that way. Fighting, though, takes disagreements to a whole different level. Fighting includes yelling, throwing things, saying something spiteful just to get a reaction. Fighting is not a mature way of dealing with challenges in your marriage. Fighting involves a winner and a loser and no good can come from making either of you feel like you are the loser when you trying to save a marriage.
Stop Tiptoeing
Apologizing for everything, promising you’ll do better, trying to be something your not in order to make your spouse stay in love with you is like putting up scenery for a play. It’s fake and temporary and you can’t rebuild your marriage on cardboard cutouts. You need to rebuild on a solid, stable foundation.
Besides, apologizing and acting quiet or meek just says you have little self-respect. What are you apologizing for? The troubles in the marriage? Rarely are any marital difficulties the fault of one person. Don’t carry the blame alone. In fact, there is no place for blame or pointing fingers. The steps necessary to save a marriage require that each of you be free to be your true self and understand that you both carry some responsibility for your problems so there is nothing to be gained by pointing fingers – even if you point them at yourself just to make your spouse feel better about you.
Steps to Save a Marriage
Create an agreeable environment
Fighting isn’t working so stop doing it. Start agreeing. Start allowing your spouse to have their say and see some value in their feelings and opinions. If your spouse says, “I think I’ve fallen out of love with you”, you need to realize they’re being honest about what they’re feeling and no amount of fighting is going to change how they feel. In fact, fighting about it will only reinforce their opinion. Instead, you could say, “I understand that’s how you feel. Can you tell me why?”
This type of response can lead you and your spouse into discussions that could be beneficial. It helps you discover what is at the root of your problems. If you open this door, though, you can’t revert to fighting. You need to hold any hurt feelings in check. You’re walking down very personal territory and any hint that it will lead to a fight will cause your spouse to shut down and the door to close.
Work the Steps to Save a Marriage Alone if You Have To
Maybe your spouse isn’t willing to work on the marraige but you really don’t want a divorce. You can make a difference all by yourself. Don’t give up just because your spouse won’t work on it with you.
John F. Kennedy said, “Every person can make a difference and every person should try.”
How does one spouse make a difference in a troubled marriage? By being a role model. By consistently following a set of ground rules that the other person will subconsciously follow. If you don’t fall in for a fight, chances are your spouse won’t either. If you are pleasant and agreeable, your spouse may be, too. If you show that you care but are also sensitive to the feelings of your spouse, your spouse may mirror your behavior. By choosing to follow a road with purpose and a plan for positive change, you are paving the way for ongoing change in your relationship.
Lead Your Spouse to Marital Happiness
Once you’ve demonstrated that you aren’t going to fight, that you are sensitive to your spouse’s feelings, and that you agree the marriage has problems, your spouse’s gaurd comes down. The more comfortable you are making them feel around you, the more willing they will be to act on any suggestions you have to save your marriage whether that be time to think before filing for a separation or divorce, seeing a marriage counselor, or even taking a getaway for just the two of you with a plan for focusing on making your marriage work. You’ve made your spouse less wary that any discussion with you will lead to a battle of wills. You have them on your side. You have them shaking their head more in agreement than in dispute. Now, you’ve really opened the door for change.
Once that door is open, how do you take advantage of it? Get help with the steps to save a marriage. We don’t all come equipped with the natural instincts to rectify the situation ourselves. Get counseling, get a marriage guide book like Save My Marriage Today (a popular program that was featured on Psychology Today), find helpful information online but take advantage of that open door you built and don’t let it go.
